Being Who I Am

I have a challenge in my life. It has something to do with comparing and judging and feeling really inadequate and all that nasty stuff. Sometimes I almost paralyze myself because I am so worried about what other people think of me. I am worried that I will bring the wrong side dish to a dinner party. I fear that I won't fit in because of the clothes I am wearing. I often hesitate to invite people over because I haven't successfully taught my daughter how to share her toys and it is such a headache to make sure that everyone is happily playing all the time! It seems like too much. And it becomes depressing and anxiety inducing and a big stumbling block to me.

However, I am blessed to know that I am a daughter of God. And this simple nugget of knowledge diminishes my fear and calms my anxiety. My time on this earth is between me and God. Sure, there are things He wants me to do. He has expectations for me and a divine potential to fulfill. But He always loves me. And He, alone, knows how hard I am trying and what struggles I face and what mountains I have already climbed.

It doesn't matter if our homemade dinosaur-shaped biscuits aren't the prettiest food at at the BBQ. It doesn't matter if there is a quarrel between two two-year-olds. It doesn't matter if my daughter doesn't recognize all of her letters and numbers or isn't potty trained yet. It doesn't matter if I'm a little socially awkward and don't know what to say (seriously, guys, I will rack my brain for things to say, but I'm an engineer, so please forgive me and be happy if I at least noticed your shoes). It doesn't matter if my furniture is used and my decorations don't really exist. It is just the way I am!

There is right and wrong in the world. Righteous living is important. But many of these inadequacies are not sins. They are part of our character. If I was the same as the next person and she was the same as the next and all of our children were perfect because they perfectly reflected all of our efforts, that would be boring.

As women we have the potential to effect so many for good! We are a moral force for good in this world! We shouldn't be hatin' on ourselves, rather we should magnify our talents and the good we contribute and uplift others so they can do the same!

So what does matter? It matters that I am a child of God and He loves me. It matters that I am trying my best. And it matters that I am happy.

Us - being HAPPY and totally ourselves (I was teaching Alyssa how to take pictures)

And just remember - you are a child of God, too. Let Him love you and love yourself and let the feelings of grotesque self-loathing dissipate as you do.

Loving What I Do

I am the mother of twoalmostthree year old. She's smart, sassy, bossy, and absolutely the most adorable little person I have ever met (slightly biased). I love her, even when she beats me at a game of Valentine's concentration.

Being a mother has not always been easy. It is still not always easy, but I dare say it is a bit more entertaining these days. Anywho, it is hard being home day in and day out. In the early months I often wondered exactly what I was accomplishing besides being there to provide physical nourishment. There were days filled with naps for her and fruitless internet surfing for me, resulting in a depressed me because I didn't get anything done and didn't feel any bit of upliftedness (you know, those social networking--endless scrolling days).

I was tempted many times to find a job. Finances were tight. We were in grad school. She was sleeping all day. Wouldn't I do more good for myself (mentally) and my family (financially) if I worked? But I didn't. All ambitious plans to start whatever I was going to start back then didn't quite work out. And I am THANKFUL. Because now things like this happen in the mornings:

And how could I not feel thankful and joyful and ultimately full of love not only for what I do but for whom I do it!

The first few months might be are brutal. You love the little dear, but you feel like you are losing your mind to boredom. But now...now life is flourishing and I am glad I didn't miss the beginnings of my little seed sprouting. Now I know how to be at home. Now I know that a little boredom is the small price I pay for priceless moments and fanatical chaos.



I am still learning. But I know I am where I should be. I am grateful for the Lord for helping me know. It is an exercise of faith. I have not been neglected. I am grateful for the inspiration He grants me as I read His words. He loves me and He helps me give that love to those in my life.

I wasn't sure if I would make it through this morning (another day at home...all day and it's cold outside), but as I read the Book of Mormon I was reminded that I want to treasure my family, I want to deserve them when it is time to live eternally together because I gave my heart to them. And that is exactly what I tried to do this morning. I gave my heart to Alyssa and I saw, yet again, that she is my treasure.

Courage to Belong

Who knew I would need so much courage taking Alyssa to Playland today? What is so scary about a bunch of inflatable plastic things? Nothing. It's all the people around the inflatable plastic things that are frightening! Fellow mothers, potential friends. And it all comes down to my courage. Will I be brave enough to put myself out there?

Moving always brings opportunities for growth. It's pretty much inevitable. My move from Delaware to Mississippi is no exception - even though it is the seventh time I have moved since marrying my man. It is a growing experience for me to shop at a grocer other than Aldi. My running abilities are growing as I tackle hills, hills, hills! So many hills! Delaware, on how you were flat! My language recognition sensors in my brain are growing as I been fixin' to learn how they y'all speak down here in the S'uthern 'Nited States.

But seriously, the biggest and hardest growth for me with all of my moves is having the courage to belong. It is deciding to open my mouth and say "Hey y'all!" instead of standing around with my arms folded, avoiding eye contact. It is realizing that being uncomfortable is the only way to be comfortable again. It takes courage and faith! I pray each day for help! I know I can't do it alone!

My uncomfortableness and awkwardness makes me grateful for what I do belong to and all I have belonged to! I am blessed to be not completely unbelonging here. I have my family near and far and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They will always be constant. They will push up against my back to support me when I feel like I want to turn around and run.

Being uncomfortable reminds us how important it is to make other people comfortable in places that we already belong. When we wish someone would turn to us and say, "Hi, my name is Eugene Herbert Fitzgerald, what's your name?" we decide that next time we see a newbie, we will be the one to extend the hand of fellowship. We must remember not to leave the new one behind because we are already happy and content. By taking some of the awkwardness upon ourselves, as the one who belongs, we relieve their anxiety an awkwardness. We bolster courage and increase in love.

It is hard to be brave and have courage to belong, but it is much better than to live in the misery of loneliness. Here's to courage! Huzzah!